Feeling Too Sad to Write

So I’m crying in the same cafe. Noah messaged me a “reiteration” of his bedtime. I feel like I just have this pattern of setting aside time to hang out with him and then awaiting his communication — putting my life on hold, basically, to be with another person. That cycle ends. today.

I came out here to find a job and to do my best work, to be paid WELL for it, and it’s just not fucking fair that I keep compromising to be with him — when I literally don’t see how he’s compromising to be with me. I don’t like who I am or how I think when i’m with him — I’m needing to find a healthy ego.

That’s why I’m upset: I feel like I’m a HUGE communication person, not an expectations person, and I feel like there are aspects of me I don’t even want to share in this relationship — oh! My friendships with people I’m attracted to. Why say anything if they aren’t actually proving a threat to my main relationship? :0

My hope is that I get to just share space with others in my own authenticity, and when I’m silent, I notice that’s when I’m either thinking, or involved in my own emotions and going silent. I’m doing fine. Notice where I’m WINNING. A beautiful human with so much going for her — there’s nothing to worry about. Go swimming in my new sundress ~~~ Stop seeing the worst in everything!! I hope for myself something amazing happens for me — like finding a new job :)

Will update xx