Things You Don’t See Coming (pt. II)

So I’m in a relationship. And, I feel like this is a whole other ballpark. I’d write this like I’m speaking to the most loving therapist in the whole universe, because… I’m so confused.

There are times when I feel like this relationship is amazing, and I love this person, and right now, I’m noticing that when it feels like they’ve hurt me, I have gone from being some perpetrator or offender or wanting to apologise so serenely every single time to just feeling like I want to cold-shoulder them and take them off of this pedestal that I’ve gently put them on.

It’s some really strange back and forth, and I don’t enjoy it — I’ve found myself doing the whole “grass is greener,” and also strongly noticing when other people in the universe are calling to me: an ex that never fully was; someone absolutely diamond-like and charming, who is also an artist whose music I really loved and I’d never seen his face before; and wondering if it’s just me that’s been putting everyone on these pedestals, seemingly so far from me… It felt good, not gonna lie, to thumbs up a message from my current “partner” — who, maybe I put air quotes around, because it doesn’t seem to hit him, the gravity of being in a relationship with me.

And maybe, does this speak to how I’ve been treating or taking care of myself? Seeing myself as less than others, or massively better than them — when I just want to anchor into the trust that everything is okay and nobody is truly better than anyone else? I feel like social media has been a major aspect of this perspective — so just staying off of it isn’t always realistic, but being super mindful of how I’m showing up in real life, and noticing how I care for others or naturally incline to care for others… without affixing myself to a series of images or how many views my stories get, can be super healthy for the psyche :-)

I know that so many influencers do hide their personal journeys or how they feel when they’re not hella happy, and that makes sense; I’ve been reflecting on the kind of internet persona I want to be. What I stand for, what values I have,

BRIEF INTERMISSION: WHY DO PEOPLE DRINK ESPRESSO? THIS STUFF JUST MADE ME SQUEEZE MY ENTIRE FACE AND FURROW MY BROWS AND LOOK TO GOD, LIKE WHY DOES THIS STUFF EXIST… AND WHY, AM I ACTUALLY DRINKING IT?

why I’m feeling called and have been feeling called for the last four years to share my thoughts online